Funny Christmas Quotes
Christmas is a delightful time of the year, the snow is falling, the fairy lights are out, the trees are up, your wallets empty, it’s freezing cold, there’s too much food and everything’s too expensive.
Actually, maybe it’s not so delightful after all.
But don’t be a Scrooge, why not spread some Christmas cheer with over 120 funny Christmas quotes and sayings.
Christmas quotes like these are ideal for Christmas cards, festive gifts, seasonal crafts or just something to insert into day-to-day festive conversation to insult your nearest and dearest.
We have covered all bases, funny Christmas quotes for family, rude Christmas for adults, short Christmas messages, cute Christmas sayings, even sarcastic Christmas quotes and festive messages for those few who hate Christmas.
No snowball has been left unturned.
Disclaimer: Some of the funny Christmas wishes you’re about to see may be rude or offensive or contain inappropriate language.
If you are offended by anything listed here then please cover your computer in paint, pour on some glitter and place it on top of your Christmas Tree as a fabulous decoration.
Funny Christmas Quotes:
To start off we have some generic funny Christmas quotes for you to do with as you please.
Little nuggets of chuckle to sprinkle on a funny Christmas card, spruce up your festive crafts or even just glue to your forehead if you’re feeling edgy.
If anyone’s being visited by three ghosts this Christmas, it’s you.
I’m hoping for a white Christmas. But red will do if there’s no white.
It’s Christmas already? I’ve only just got over Pancake Tuesday.
Merry Christmas, the only season where I’m glad to be surrounded by a load of snowflakes.
Honestly Santa, just give me everything I’ve asked for this time and I promise I’ll be good next year.
I’m only a morning person on Christmas Day. And even that’s pushing it.
We have entered the period of Christmas shopping hell. Ho-Ho-Help me I hate life.
I hope you have the most amazing Christmas and aren’t too fat to walk come the New Year.
It’s all fun and games until Santa gets the naughty list out.
Merry Christmas, I’m the Morecambe to your Wise, the Wallace to your Gromit, the Del Boy to your Rodney. In other words, I’m the funniest one.
It’s been a tough old year so just get Santa to leave his credit card under the tree and I’ll treat myself.
The real magic of Christmas is that all my money seems to vanish into thin air.
Merry Christmas to someone who definitely isn’t going to embarrass themselves at the office Christmas party. Are you?
Happy Christmas to all the children out there gleefully waiting for an overweight man to break into their house while they sleep and give them gifts based on the quality of their behaviour throughout the year.
I love Christmas, it’s the time of year I receive lots of presents I can exchange for something better.
Merry Christmas to everybody except people who write cards from the dog.
There’s a direct correlation between the year you stop believing in Santa Clause and beginning to get socks for Christmas.
After 2022, giving birth in a stable surrounded by old men and animals doesn’t really seem too bad.
Tis the year I’ve found religion so make sure there’s plenty of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh under the tree please.
Santa Clause only visiting people once a year is the kind of person I aspire to be.
Merry ‘I hope you kept the receipt’ mass to everyone.
All I want for Christmas is you…to not put a lot of things on your list. I’m poor.
Leave some sherry out for Santa this year, with any luck he’ll be too sloshed to work out if you’re on the naughty list or not.
Funny short Christmas quotes:
Sometimes there’s just not a lot to say. Get straight to the point with these short funny Christmas wishes.
Merry Christmas, that’s all.
Make sure you are paying attention to Elf and safety this Christmas.
Pass the Prosecc-Ho Ho-Ho
Merry Christmas, there’s snow-one quite like you.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Merry Christmas you old drunk.
Happy Christmas! Time to sleigh!
Tis the season to sing songs for no reason.
Too cute for the naughty list!
Happy Christmas? Naughty is the new nice.
Me putting up with you can be your present this year.
Carol singers will be criticised.
Funny Christmas Eve quotes:
Christmas Eve marks the day before the big festive event.
Commemorate it with the collection of Christmas Eve quotes,
Christmas eve messages and wishes listed below. The best step to avoid Santa putting you on the naughty list.
Happy Christmas Eve, the day of the year where we all pretend to be nice to each other so there’s no awkwardness when you’re opening your new toaster tomorrow.
Here’s to getting up to snow good on Christmas day.
It’s Christmas Eve? The day I start my Christmas shopping.
Jesus was born tomorrow so I could receive lots and lots of presents in 2000 years’ time.
Happy Christmas Eve, also known as: the night before Jesus crawled out of Mary.
Hello Father Christmas, while you’re here eating our milk and cookies there’s some dishes for you to wash and the downstairs could do with a bit of a clean. Thanks x.
I hope you have a jolly Christmas Eve and your Christmas day is just as magical as Harry Potter. Just without all the creatures, serial killers on the loose and attempted murder.
You’re receiving this card on Christmas Eve, not for any special reason. I just haven’t been bothered to deliver it until now.
Happy Christmas Eve, tomorrow you’ll either be very happy or cripplingly disappointed.
As an adult I know you still get that little nervous feeling in your tummy on Christmas Eve. But then again you’re old, that might be wind.
Merry Christmas Eve! May tomorrow not end with your head stuck up a turkey.
Happy Christmas Eve, this is a heads up to absolve all your sins before the big day tomorrow. I’ll bring the holy water.
Cute Christmas quotes:
Charming, twee, sweet? I’m sure there are other words to describe these but I’m going with cute. Browse this selection of cute Christmas wishes below.
Have an incredibly happy Christmas you delightful human being.
Merry Christmas, you’re the only star I’d follow anywhere.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year to fill your heart with Christmas cheer.
There’s snow man I love more than you.
Merry Christmas to someone who’s tree has been up since about June.
Whether I’ve been naughty or nice you’re always going to be the best gift in my life.
Happy Christmas to somebody I love even more at this special time of the year. (Mainly because you get me presents).
You’re the only Christmas special I need this year.
I can’t wait to wrap up warm with you this winter.
I love you this Christmas with all the trimmings.
I hope all of your Christmas dreams come true, being with you means mine have already.
I’ve brought you a mirror so you can see what I want for Christmas.
Funny family Christmas quotes:
It’s a fact, families are still just as annoying even at Christmas. Do your best and smile through the pain with these funny family Christmas wishes to celebrate and offend all of your dysfunctional family members.
Here’s to a family Christmas, pigging out on chocolate and strangling each other over monopoly.
Here’s to receiving Christmas lists full of Apple products. It’s what the baby Jesus would have wanted.
Merry Christmas to my beautiful family, the world experts in buying people the most useless gifts they are never going to use.
A family Christmas is special because it’s the one day of the year we’re not allowed to argue.
Here’s to a good old family Christmas, fighting over dinner, fighting over tv, and fighting over charades. God bless us everyone.
Merry Christmas to your entirely dysfunctional family.
Merry Christmas to the bank of mom and dad.
While the kids look out for reindeer and a sleigh; I look out for the Amazon van.
Merry Christmas to the least embarrassing family member.
Happy Christmas to my Bro-Ho-Ho
Merry Christmas to a sister definitely on the naughty list this year.
Merry Christmas to my parents, two people who don’t realise how lucky they are to have someone as fabulous as me in their lives.
Funny Christmas quotes for the wife or husband:
Send some festive cheer to your significant other with these funny Christmas wishes for the wife and husband.
Merry Christmas darling, this year can you tell the kids “Santa” doesn’t like milk and cookies I like he likes beer and chips.
If a fat bloke can whizz around the world in one evening in a sleigh then you can get up off your backside and make the Christmas dinner this year.
It's Christmassss!!! Let us drink until we’re reminded of our wedding night. Tired, belching and smelling of sick.
You might be a grumpy old husband but you’re my grumpy old husband.
Merry Christmas to my sexy husband. It’s befitting of the festive season to tell small lies to your relatives to make them happy.
Merry Christmas Husband. Why do you need presents? You’ve got me.
Happy Christmas hubby, as the years go on Christmas just gets bigger. The decorations are bigger, the presents are bigger, your waistline is bigger.
Merry Christmas, a wife like you deserves the best. Unfortunately, I couldn’t fit under the tree.
Happy Christmas to my favourite wife. Next year I’m off to Wolverhampton, it’s her turn.
Happy Christmas to my special wife. You really jingle my bells.
Merry Christmas to my lovely wife, there’s nobody I’d rather celebrate consumerism with.
My wife’s idea of getting in the Christmas spirit is turning into Ebenezer Scrooge.
Funny Christmas quotes for adults:
Vulgar, rude, offensive. That’s being an adult for you. Spice up your funny Christmas greetings with these rude and naughty wishes guaranteed to make Rudolph’s nose go red. Adults only.
I love you as much as Santa loves Rudolph. A reindeer who’s cruelly forced to carry out hours of manual labour carrying a sleigh of incalculable mass. So, take that how you will.
Merry Christmas at the only time of year we’re all desperate to receive something from an old man’s big bulging sack.
Either your fat arse has been at the milk and cookies again or Santa’s been.
Make like the Doctor who Christmas special and get me on the floor behind the sofa.
Merry Christmas to a very special boyfriend. Here’s hoping the turkey isn’t the only thing that gets stuffed this year.
Merry Christmas babe, on this day 2022 years ago the Virgin Mary opened her legs and squeezed out a Jesus.
I hope this Christmas isn’t as disappointing as you are in bed.
Merry Christmas darling. With any luck we’ll be naughty this year. But then again I know how you like your sprouts so maybe not.
This year I want to ride you like Santa rides Rudolph. Which is quite a horrible image now I think about it but there’s a compliment in there somewhere.
Merry Christmas to someone who I’d happily let fill my stocking.
Happy Christmas, you’re definitely on the naughty list this year.
Merry Christmas babe, I’m expecting a really small package this year. But then again you’d think I’d be used to it by now.
Sarcastic Christmas quotes:
Believe it or not, Ebenezer Scrooge’s do exist; those people who don’t go all gooey at the thought of Christmas. But they still need love too, choose some sarcastic Christmas wishes from the list below for those grumpy people.
May your Christmas be full of joy and laughter and lots and lots of alcohol.
If Santa can’t fix 2022 he needn’t bother coming down the chimney.
Christmas is a time where we come together as one and are reminded…there’s nothing but crap on the tv.
Stick this on your fireplace. That’s it.
Merry Christmas to my favourite person…at the moment.
Merry Christmas, you’re the Brussel to my sprouts, the stuffing to my turkey, the pig in my blanket.
Time to get into the Christmas spirit, by going full Ebenezer Scrooge for the whole month.
Take this card as a reminder of the fact you’re only worth the price of a stamp.
Dashing through the ‘No,’ in a one-horse open ‘Nay,’ over fields we ‘absolutely not.’ Laughing all the ‘Nope.’
We mustn’t forget the religious aspects of this time of year, so I’ve brought lots of wine and carbs.
I’d say all I want for Christmas is you but to be honest I could really do with some new socks and pants.
People who are as cheery as you at Christmas time surely have something wrong with them?
I hate Christmas quotes:
Only the grinchiest of grinches are this miserable but we still cater for them. For all the haters out there who despise Christmas time, choose some ‘I hate Christmas’ wishes from the list below. Don’t expect any thanks.
I hate you a little bit less than I hate Christmas so here’s a card.
May all your Christmases be miserable and your stockings filled with socks.
The most unrealistic part of A Christmas Carol is when Scrooge wakes up and realises he loves Christmas. What a load of shite.
I hate Christmas, you hate Christmas, I hate you, here’s a Christmas card. I hate myself. It’s a minefield.
I’d rather stick two icicles in my eyes than suffer through another festive season but we can’t all be sensible so here’s a card, you Christmas celebrating nitwit.
Happy time of the year Mariah Carey and Michael Bublé get wheeled out to plunge us all into a horribly festive dystopian hell.
I may not survive Christmas, even the slightest glimpse of tinsel is enough to make me want to die.
Hate Christmas. Love you, here’s a card.
Here’s a Christmas card, burn it immediately.
When it comes to whether to hate Christmas or not, one of us is right and the other one is you.
Take your Christmas cheer and kindly shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.
‘‘Twas the night before Christmas and although it was hard, I sucked up my pride and sent you this card. You know I hate Christmas and in contrast you’re weird but I hope you get gifts from the man with the beard.
I Ho-Ho-hope this has sparked your creative juices when it comes to funny Christmas quotes.
From the offensive to the sweet to the rude to the miserable, we have everything. Merry Christmas and a happy new year! (Unless you chose from the ‘I hate Christmas’ quotes).