Funny Birthday Wishes
Birthday cards are easy to come by, like specks of dust or somebody wearing jeans on the hottest day of the year.
But finding the right birthday card is only half the battle.
We’re here to ponder the age-old question, what turns a plain old card into a funny birthday card, without having to shrink down a comedian and stick him in the envelope with a few air holes so he can breathe during transit?
I am here to spruce up your birthday cards with a list of 150 funniest birthday wishes.
Disclaimer: some of the funny birthday quotes you’re about to see may be rude, offensive or contain inappropriate language.
If you’re offended by any of the things listed then please rip your computer out of the wall and accept my unreserved apologies.
Funny happy birthday wishes:
Here we have a list of generic funny birthday messages to ease you in gradually before we get to the really inappropriate stuff:
Happy birthday. Take a birthday high five! Mainly because I can’t afford to get you anything else.
You don’t look a day over whatever age you’re supposed to be.
Another year older, another year grumpier.
Another birthday? Jesus Christ I’m not made of money.
I would wish you all the happiness in the world on your birthday but I don’t actually like you.
Happy birthday to someone who can be anything they want to be. Except younger, that ship’s sailed.
Happy birthday you big old floppy windsock.
Being old is getting hand strain trying to scroll down to your date of birth when filling out online forms.
The cost of living is too high so your birthday present this year is ‘nothing’. But sent with love.
Time to party on your birthday! Statistics prove that yes sir, I can boogie but I need a certain song. I can in fact boogie, boogie woogie all night long.
Happy birthday darling. If I had a pound for how much money I wanted to put in this card, I’d be flat out broke.
Happy birthday mate. You might be a daft idiot but you’re my daft idiot.
You’re never going to be this young again. It’s tragic.
I like you enough to hope your birthday is a moderately fun affair.
Funny birthday cards are hard to come by so take this piece of tat instead.
The only thing you’ll be testing positive for this year is party fever.
Happy birthday. You’re as old as you are brilliant. Which is both good news and bad.
Happy birthday to an amazing person. As life moves on it’s time to stop thinking about the present. Because I haven’t got you one.
Funny happy birthday for him / Happy birthday Old Man:
Men are strange aren’t they? Send them a card anyway. Whether it’s a funny happy birthday message for dad, a brother, a best friend, a son or just a funny birthday wish for any bloke. Get some ideas from the list below.
Happy birthday old man, you’re ageing like a smelly bottle of ancient plonk.
Happy birthday old man, enjoy your big day while you can. We might be burying you next week.
Here’s to turning into a miserable, grumpy old bloke.
Have a great birthday oldy, don’t smile too hard though, your teeth might fall out.
To my old man on his birthday, thank you for passing the legacy of awful dad jokes down to me.
Happy birthday to the nicest guy you could ever meet. It doesn’t matter that you’re completely thick.
Happy birthday to a special boyfriend, you’ll do for the time being.
Happy Birthday Bro. My little brother’s growing up but your brain doesn’t seem to be.
To my dashing husband on his birthday. Dash yourself down to the shops because I haven’t actually got you a present.
Happy Birthday son, my excellent genes have paid off I see.
Happy birthday to a selfish boyfriend who still hasn’t turned into Chris Hemsworth yet.
Happy birthday dad, nice to see you don’t get any less embarrassing with age.
Funny happy birthday for her:
If it’s a birthday card for her you’re writing then step this way and take inspiration from the list below. We have birthday wishes for all the lucky ladies in your life. Warning: some do come with the risk of being slapped.
Happy Birthday to the mardiest cow in the field. (you’ll notice I’ve left the room very quickly).
Happy birthday old girl, time to pull those granny stockings up and dance to your Cliff Richard CD.
Happy birthday to my sister, the thing grown in a lab somewhere, on a distant planet many light years away, surrounded by aliens.
Happy birthday young lady. If anyone tries to call you old just throw your bus pass at them.
Happy birthday to my best friend. You’re my favourite totally unstable female.
It’s a bit weird that my girlfriend is expecting presents when you’ve got me.
Happy birthday to a mom I’ll always be happy to embarrass me in public.
Many happy birthday wishes to the insufferable birthday diva.
Happy birthday to a classy bird, in that you look like a well-dressed old crow.
No matter how old you get you’re still fun, fit, and fabulous. Well…you’re fun at least.
Happy birthday babe, you’re always telling me to save money so I haven’t bought you anything this year.
Happy birthday to a special wife. Thanks for putting up with all my crap.
To a special lady on her birthday, I love you to the moon and back, (I’ve) you make my (forgotten) heart ache, my life would not be worth living without you (to buy you), I would go to the end of the earth (any presents) to keep you happy. (don’t) love you darling (kill me).
Funny birthday wishes for best friend:
Best friends deserve all the love in the world and also an insult or two. Pick some from the list below to add some spice to your funny best friend birthday wishes.
Happy birthday to my best friend. Making me look like the sexy friend for 10 years. (Change as applicable).
Happy birthday bestie. Having a best friend is like eating a big, delicious cake. It’s beautiful, it’s pleasurable and then after a while it makes you sick to your stomach.
Happy birthday to my best friend. Well, my friend anyway. More of an acquaintance, a person I tolerate, a bit of an idiot really. Happy birthday to a bit of an idiot.
Happy birthday to someone awarded the title of best friend purely because you’re the only person I know.
Happy birthday to my favourite big bumbling buffoon bestie.
Happy birthday to a best friend who could quite easily get me sent to prison.
Happy Birthday! The good news: we’ve been friends for decades. The bad news: it really shows on you.
Happy birthday to someone who isn’t just a friend, you’re a best friend. Mainly because I can’t afford you to fall out with me, you know all my secrets.
I can’t wait for us to be a pair of annoying old pensioners in a nursing home.
Do you think Kate Middleton gets shit faced on Sambuca’s and then polish's off a dirty kebab when it’s her birthday? Or is that just us?
Funny Birthday Wishes for Colleagues:
We all have that one bloke or bloke-ess that we love and/or hate in the office. Why not enrich or ruin their birthday with one of these funny colleague birthday wishes below?
Happy birthday colleague. I was told to send you this. I’m not even actually sure what your name is.
Good riddance you old misery Apologies, I got the wrong end of the stick. Apparently it’s your birthday.
Happy birthday to my favourite work colleague. It’s a low bar, I hate everyone else in the office.
Happy birthday to an amazing boss who I’m sure would love to reward this display of generosity with a pay rise and a few big bonuses.
If you put half as much effort into your birthday as you do your work this is going to be a really rubbish day.
I’d say enjoy a nice relaxing, work-free day but it’s pretty much what you do all year round anyway.
My favourite colleague was birthed a very long time ago today.
Happy birthday work bestie, this was meant to be signed by everyone in the office but it turns out nobody actually likes you.
Happy birthday to my favourite colleague. They say if you enjoy your job you’ll never work a day in your life. So, you must really love it here.
Happy birthday buddy! Relax, put your feet up and do as little as you can get away with. So what I guess I’m saying is, just do what you normally do.
Funny Belated Happy Birthday Wishes:
Oops you missed someone's birthday. This is the section where you apologise (but not really) for all your late birthday misdemeanours and send the unfortunate victim a grovelling belated birthday card.
Sorry I missed your birthday; I was washing my hair.
Happy belated birthday. I’d say I didn’t actually forget your birthday…but I did.
Don’t think about this card as late, just think about it as extending your birthday celebrations.
Happy belated birthday (it’s the postman’s fault, leave me alone).
Happy belated birthday to the person I only remember exists when the corner of my Facebook page reminds me.
Happy belated birthday. I’m not sure how I forgot, it must be because you don’t occupy a single second of my thoughts.
I know you wanted to forget how old you are but I missed your birthday so here’s another reminder.
This card might not have come in time but at least your dad did. Happy birthday darling.
Happy late birthday card, pop this on the fireplace in front of all the good ones and pretend it came first.
Happy belated birthday, it’s not that I forgot, it’s just that I couldn’t be arsed.
I never remember it’s your birthday because you don’t ever seem to look any older. But then again you’ve always been a freak of nature.
Sarcastic birthday wishes:
They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but I am quite content to be one of the lowest dregs of humanity. Indulge me and read this list of sarcastic and cheeky birthday wishes that’ll make those birthday cards just a little extra punch-able.
Your biggest achievement this year has got to be receiving this amazing birthday card from me.
Seeing you get older has inspired me…to buy as much anti-wrinkle cream that I can get my hands on.
May your birthday be full of the class and decorum you are accustomed to as you’re stumbling around the room blind drunk spilling wine all over yourself.
Congratulations on yet another year out of your mothers watery uterus prison.
I hope you have many more birthdays. Otherwise, it means you’re dead.
I voluntarily lowered my bank balance to get you this.
There is nothing in life I’m concerned about more than your ever-increasing age. It is a dire set of circumstances and I apologise unreservedly.
I’m dead proud of you. I honestly didn’t expect you to live this long.
It’s very nice of you to remind me how young I still am on your very special birthday.
Analysis has confirmed that you are in fact an old person. Happy Birthday may this information enrich your life.
Funny birthday messages are hard to think of, so I haven’t written one in this card.
Everything’s too expensive nowadays so I’ve left the price tag on the back of the card so you know how many pence you mean to me.
Short funny birthday wishes:
Sometimes you want those birthday wishes to be short and sweet. Like this sentence.
What’s tired, grey, and getting on a bit? You…it’s you.
Happy birthday to the only person I’d poo in front of. Now that’s love.
Have an amazing day. But not too amazing, you’re getting on a bit.
Happy birthday, I’d say you look good for your age…but you don’t.
Hap bday. That short enough for you?
Happy birthday babe, there’s no money in this.
Happy birthday you old chump.
Happy birthday, pretend this says something funny.
Old age is coming for everyone but today it’s your turn.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Who’s almost a pensioner? It’s not me it’s you.
Offensive birthday wishes:
What better way to celebrate someone's special day than by scribbling something outrageously offensive in a birthday card? Take inspiration from the list below to turn your cards into some of the most offensive birthday cards around.
Happy birthday to the most annoying person you could ever wish to meet. God damn, you’re irritating.
Happy whatever this event is, I lose track.
We can no longer call you an old bitch, the correct term is ‘cranky elderly lady’.
Happy birthday to my fest briend. You’re a lucking fegend and a tomplete cwat.
Happy birthday to somebody I tolerate, if you fell off a cliff tomorrow I’d be aquiver for a moment but that’s about it. I haven’t really got the hang of this birthday message thing.
Handsome, intelligent and a total joy to be around. But that’s enough about me happy birthday you dumb old stinker.
I was going to ask if you were ready to have lots of birthday sex but then I thought…well just look at you. It’s clearly not going to happen.
Happy birthday mate, time to buy yourself some heavy-duty underwear to stop your balls dragging on the floor as you walk.
You’ve got more wrinkles than the San Andreas fault but I still love you.
Happy birthday you little shit.
It’s been 20 years since you crawled out of your mom's uterus like that girl from The Ring. (Change age as applicable. Also change how you want to describe the action of crawling out of one's uterus as applicable. A sentence I cannot believe I have actually written).
Rude birthday wishes:
Rude birthday wishes, crude birthday wishes, they’re the best kind, let's not pretend otherwise. Enrich the life of the special recipient this birthday by making fun of them in the rudest ways possible. It’s what Jesus would have wanted.
Is it a fart or is it a shart? At this age you’re never going to know.
Happy birthday you randy old dog. Excitable, hairy, covered in fleas and your anal glands are an absolute state.
Time to celebrate your birthday the same way you came into this world, naked, screaming, and with a vagina wrapped around your head.
Happy birthday. Get that lipstick on, wipe the floor marks off your tits, pull your granny stockings up and let’s go get shit faced.
Happy birthday mate. If you were a dog you’d be dead by now or at the very least dragging your back legs behind you and pissing everywhere.
It’s not a good birthday until you’ve got the alcohol sweats, vomited at least three times, and passed out in some poor stranger's crotch.
Happy birthday babe, this card isn’t the only thing that’s going to be stiff tonight. I’m talking about your back. You’re an old person now.
Just think, one day a very long time ago you were sperm floating about inside your mom. You dirty bastard.
Roses are red, violets are blue, today is your birthday so let me fuck you.
If your birthday is as good as my sex then you are going to have a very short, very unsatisfying sixty seconds.
Inappropriate birthday wishes:
These are the plain inappropriate birthday messages that aren’t rude or clever they’re just a bit well… inappropriate. Mainly reminding the recipient of their impending death, outrageously insulting them, or telling them how old they look. Enjoy.
Happy birthday, you’re the Eamon to my Ruth. In that I have to pretend to like you daily and I’ve attempted to suffocate you on at least one occasion.
Enjoy this birthday while you can, next year you’ll probably be dead.
Happy Birthday old bean, make sure you turn the heating down nice and low before you light the candles on your birthday cake or you’re going to be absolutely roasting.
I would say it’s time to act your age but it’s probably best you don’t in case you die.
Saw this card and thought of you; cheap, tacky, creased, susceptible to bend at a moment's notice.
Happy birthday from one old bitch to another.
I hope the effort of blowing out all those candles kills you.
Breaking news: you’re old as fuck.
Happy birthday to my favourite party animal. A huge smelly ass.
Happy birthday my old chum, your present was going to be a one-way ticket to Switzerland but apparently Dignitas is really expensive.
Funny birthday Jokes:
I use the term funny jokes very loosely here. Think of them as a piece of terrible humour to send to someone you don’t really like that much on their special day. These may in fact make a joke birthday card even less funny. But go on, risk it anyway.
What’s the secret to remembering your wife’s birthday? Forget it once.
What’s old, creaky, and well past it’s sell by date? You…it’s you. That’s the joke.
I’ve got a great birthday joke about construction but I’m still working on it.
What goes up and never comes down? Your age.
I was going to tell a birthday joke but we both know you’re a big enough joke already.
Statistics prove that people who have the most birthdays live longer.
What does a midwife do on a birthday? Delivers a load of babies.
I tried to get some nice photos of you for your birthday but the British museum wouldn’t let me take any of the exhibits.
We had all our hands on Dec preparing for your birthday. I don’t know who Dec was or where he came from but we had all our hands on him.
I asked my science teacher to come up with a birthday joke but she told me all the good ones Argon.
I tried to get you a new outfit for your birthday but it's so hard to find stone age fashion these days.
Funny 18th Birthday Wishes:
Funny 18th birthday wishes are hard to come by; a bit like an 18-year-old who’s actually going to wake up early enough to even read them. But step this way regardless and choose a funny quip from our list.
Happy 18th birthday! It’s finally time to do some adulting!
You’re 18 years old, on the outside at least.
It’s your 18th Birthday? Don’t grow up, the big wide world is terrifying and expensive.
Happy 18th Birthday, being an adult is a bit like being the scared kid at a theme park. You don’t really know what to do and everybody around you is either screaming or being sick.
Billions of years of evolution and somehow we’ve ended up with you. Happy 18th you melon.
Funny 21st Birthday Wishes:
A 21-year-old, a person on the cusp of official adulthood, childish things aren’t cool anymore and fart jokes are no longer funny, this is going to be a tricky one but I have compiled a list of (potentially) funny 21st birthday wishes anyway that’ll hopefully satiate their emerging glum, ironic and grownup persona.
Happy 21st birthday. Adulthood’s miserable isn’t it? I told you it would be the dumbest thing you’ll ever do.
Happy 21st you hooligan.
Enjoy your special birthday, you’re only 21 once. Unless you’re some sort of freak of nature in which case I don’t really know what to tell you.
Happy 21st Birthday! It’s not going well, you look about 35.
Don’t worry, most 21-year-olds are as clueless as you so you’re not on your own.
Funny 30th Birthday Wishes:
At 30 years old all bets are off, life is either the best it’s ever been or cataclysmically depressing, there is no in-between. What better accompaniment to this milestone than some funny 30th birthday wishes to remind the birthday boy or girl that yes, they’re getting old.
To a special friend on your 30th birthday, the space for the candles on the cake is starting to get smaller and smaller isn’t it? This isn’t a good sign.
Happy 30th Birthday, I’ll cheer you up by saying it’s not too late to have your life together. Because let’s face it you really don’t do you?
30 years ago a handsome, talented, charming, angel entered the world. Oh and you were born as well.
Happy 30th birthday oldie, don’t worry about your age, if you cover up the zero you can pretend you’re 3.
They say the older they get the wiser you get. It’s obviously skipped you. Happy 30th!
Funny 40th Birthday Wishes:
Wish your friend, relative, acquaintance or pet alien a very happy birthday with some funny 40th birthday quotes that’ll inform them quite generously that they’re now entering decade four on this planet.
Happy 40th birthday. They say 40 is the new 30 but that’s just to make you feel better. Because you’re old now. Very old.
40 years of being an absolute state.
40 years old, it’s this time of your life you start to wish you’d looked after your teeth. Next stop, dentures.
Don’t think of this as your 40th just think of it as your double 20’s.
Sending lots of love on your 40th birthday. Oh, and socks and pants, that’s what old people ask for isn’t it?
Funny 50th Birthday Wishes:
50 years old, 5 decades, half a century. Oh dear. However you want to phrase it make sure it’s with one of our funny 50th birthday wishes below.
Happy 50th birthday, it’s the time of life where you don’t need an app to see what you’ll look like as an old person. Just look in the mirror.
Happy 49 + 1 birthday. We don’t say the F word here.
You’re half a century old. That sounds dreadful doesn’t it? Happy 50th you museum piece.
Happy 50th Birthday to my favourite oldie! Let’s paint the town red and then have you home and tucked in by 7 O’clock.
50 might seem like a big number but just think of it this way, you’ll be 51 next year and that’s even worse.
Funny 60th Birthday Wishes:
The swinging sixties but swinging in moderation; it’s important to look after those hips. Wish those six-decade-old acquaintances a very happy 60th birthday from our list of funny 60th birthday wishes.
Happy 60th Birthday, time to whip out the model railways, the crochet and the knitting.
Happy 60th Birthday, all the best things get better with age.
Happy 60th birthday to the loveliest person I know. You’re a star. An old star but a star all the same.
I got this typed in very large print because of your age. Happy 60th, hope you’re seeing this ok.
Happy 60th Birthday! You’re the same age as Doctor Who. If only you had a Tardis to turn the clock back a few decades.
Funny 65th Birthday Wishes:
65 years old, the swinging sixties part 2, but the bit with a bit less swinging as we inch towards 70. Wish them a very happy birthday with our funny 65th birthday quotes; making sure to grab the bus pass en route for a night on the town.
Happy 65th Birthday, the good news is you’re still with us. Bad news is that the retirement age has gone up.
Happy 65th Birthday, you might want to pop on your reading glasses for this one.
You’re a great 65-year-old, real proof that you can rock wrinkles and bad hips and still look cool.
65 years old today. Dear god I’m struggling to think of anything actually older than you.
Happy 65th Birthday. Don’t panic, there's still a few years to go yet before you lose complete control of your bladder.
Funny 70th Birthday Wishes:
Are you struggling to think of what to write inside a 70th Birthday card? Because don’t worry, so I am. I keep wanting to offer my apologies but fear not; choose something from our funny 70th birthday wishes below instead.
You’re proof that all the best things were made 70 years ago.
A special person is turning 70 today. And you are as well.
70’s the new 17 if you’ve got a very good imagination and don’t look in the mirror.
Happy 70th Birthday to the old Miser, the most likely to get visited by three ghosts in their sleep.
Happy 70th Birthday, you’re one year closer to looking like the creepy old man from Family Guy.
Funny 80th Birthday Wishes:
You can hear groaning; the wind is stirring and there’s some sort of ancient being limping towards you but don’t panic, put away the spell book because it’s more than likely just an 80-year-old. Wish them well on their special day with some funny 80th birthday wishes.
Happy 80th Birthday to my favourite antique, who always needs a good dusting.
Just think, it only flies past the earth every 77 years and yet you’ll have experienced Halley’s Comet twice.
Happy 80th Birthday, international year of the liver. Liver for dinner, liver spots and liver problems.
Happy 80th birthday to a woman with the brightest twinkle in her eye and the biggest smile. Just don’t smile too much today in case your teeth drop out.
80 years old today! I can remember a time when you used to be young. You probably can’t think that far back.
Funny 90th Birthday Wishes:
The most impressive milestone, 90-years-old. Send the naughty nonagenarian a funny 90th birthday wish on this most momentous of days.
90 years old, there are things in the British museum younger than that.
Happy 90th birthday, 10 more until you’re into triple figures.
Happy 90th birthday to a special someone full of fun, laughter, mischief, and the rudest jokes I’ve ever heard.
For the 90th time, it’s all about you today. Happy birthday to my favourite nonagenarian.
Happy 90th Birthday! What an achievement. You’ve been around for nearly 33,000 days and we’re still not fed up with you.
I hope this has sparked your creative juices when it comes to funny birthday greetings.
Now you’ve got the birthday wishes, why not choose a card to go with it from our wide range of funny birthday cards here?
There are thousands to choose from and you’re sure to find something you’ll love.
Thanks for stopping by and indulging in my madness.