A new baby, birthed into this mad crazy world. Poor kid!

But seriously who doesn't love a new baby, all fresh from the womb!

Those chubby cheeks, the smell, tiny feet and hands, awww.

What we can all agree on is that a new baby is always a joyous occasion that's for sure. 

Even the cold-hearted surely melt a little at a cute toothless smile from a baby.

Yes they are constantly leaking at both ends but we sure do love em!

You have bought a lovely pair of booties, some bibs for all the gross, never-ending baby dribble. Maybe you've even knitted a hat to keep that little bugger's bald head warm.

We all love buying plenty of gifts for the new arrival. Even though the poor bambino knows nothing of what the hell is going on!

We know you've already purchased a fabulous new baby card from our splendid range already. I mean why else would you think you have the right to make use of this useful FREE information? 

Lets get into it, what should I write in a new baby card I hear you ask...

Well, there's always the standard soppy message that everyone else likes to put, or the pre-printed babble they have in greeting cards, but that's all a bit boring and vanilla isn't it?

We all know you love some banter and want to put something a little more funny or insulting to your friend, or family member who have just had a new baby.

So, without further ado please find probably the greatest list of funny, insulting, offensive greetings to write in the new baby card.

So glad your baby is not a complete munter!

Wow a tiny human Well done!

Can't wait to teach the kid some decent swear words.

Now you can blame the baby when you shit your own pants in public! Again!

Congratulations on your new baby, I hope it doesn't grow up to be an ugly cunt like you!

Make the most of that cute little face because in 14 years time they will be pimply with a shitty attitude.

How's your fanny?

Twins?! Good fucking luck.

Can't wait to be inundated with all your new baby posts! Said no one ever.

At least we know you're not firing blanks!

Well done, your boobs will never be the same again.

Parenthood: Shit just got serious. 

Good luck with the newest arrival. Now you don't have to look crazy talking to yourself.

Congrats on the new addition, we do hope he looks nothing like his father.

Well done on not pulling out mate.

May your day be filled with shitty nappies, lumpy vomit and no sleep. 

Yay. Wizard's sleeve spring to mind!

A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be. Congratulations!

Congratulations on making a mini version of both of you... OMG What have you done??!!

Babies are wonderful. So I've been told anyway!

I would request a DNA test! 

Rather you than me!

Thoughts are with your poor vagina at this time.

I know you'll be naming the baby after me, as I'm sure he/she will be a legend too..

The coolest part about being parents is catching a glimpse of yourself in your little one! When i say coolest I mean the worst obviously cause you're awful people!

Welcome to the world little one, it's a bit shit to be honest.

Yay no sleep forever!! Congrats!

Your minge must be a fucking mess! When are you having the next one?

We hope the baby doesn't inherit your ears #dumbo

Wishing you and your new-born many years of good health, love, and happiness and not too much baby vomit on your shirt.

Hoping he doesn't take after his mother!

Congratulations on your toothless, mini shitting machine.

Yay we can go out and drink wine again! It's been a long 9 months!

At least 18 years of this shit! Literally!

I am your father.

No more hardcore partying for you guys now!

Just to let you know now, I am not up for ANY babysitting whatsoever. But congrats on the baby!

To the best MILF and DILF I know, congratulations on the baby. 

It's about time someone started throwing up on you, instead of the other way around!

When can it drink beer??

Wow twins! Double the fun, double the joy, double the laughter. double the shit.

I'm definitely going to be the mad pissed up auntie/uncle. Cheers!

I guess you're having sex in silence for the next 18 years.

Condolences to the lady garden at this tough time.

No more sleep  

Earaches  

Wind  

Burping  

Ass-wiping  

Boob-sag  

Yucky puke 

All new parents do love gifts and cards and to be fair they deserve it.

It's always good to let them know they're thought of, while their days are spent surrounded in nappies, puke and the greenest runny shit that makes them wonder if this baby is even human?! Zero hours sleep and leaky boobs, the rock n roll lifestyle.

The Dad always panicking, holding the baby all wrong, knowing he's not getting a good shag for a while! 

The mum just happy she can drink again after 9 months sober! Don't deny it mums!

Although they probably won't invite you to become Godparents We are sure you'll find something perfect to write in your new baby card. 

We hope you have found this list helpful and of course feel free to share!"

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