A Dad. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. 

Their gassy, dad joke-filled existence annoys or warms your heart to its core and yet every birthday is a pain in the neck wondering what to get them. 

Maybe a BBQ? Mom says, ‘no chance’. 

A new drone? Mom says, ‘absolutely no chance’. 

A cardboard cut-out of Pamela Anderson? Mom says, ‘possibly if it keeps him off my back’. 

It’s a minefield so why not play it safe with a funny birthday card for Dad to begin with and we’ll help you decide what to write inside it.

Whether it’s a funny birthday poem for Dad, a cute message for Daddy from the kids, or some offensive birthday wishes for Dad from a daughter, we’ve got you covered with our handy guide detailing all the lovely, offensive, and funny birthday quotes for Dad on his special day.

I tried to think of some funny Dad birthday jokes but you’ve already exhausted the entire well of terrible humour.

Happy Birthday Dad. Every year I don’t think you could get any more embarrassing but you surprise me every time.

Happy Birthday to the king of Dad jokes, prince of hugs and peasant of doing any of the chores. 

No matter what age you are, the dad jokes will never be funny.

Happy Birthday Dad to the windiest relative I know.

Five-star Dad, gives the best hugs, is lovely and warm and can always be relied upon… a bit like a puppy. Hint, hint.

Happy birthday Father, please accept this folded piece of card as a token of my love.

Happy Birthday to a special Dad. You’re the one we can always rely on when a problem needs fixing. Unfortunately, the problem today is that there’s no money in your card.

Happy Birthday Dad, I hope your birthday is as peaceful as it was before you decided to have kids.

To my Papa-penguin, I hope your day is as cool as you.

Happy Birthday to Dad number 2. Not sure how you got lumped with second place but here we are.  

Happy Birthday to Dad number 1. I love both dads’ just the same but you can pretend today that you’re my favourite.

Happy Birthday to the bank of Dad.

You’re a better Father than Darth Vader at least.  

Happy Birthday stepdad. Thanks for loving me just as much as if I was your own. I know it would be difficult to admit you were responsible for such a mess.

Happy Birthday to a world class dad. As in, you live in the world, you’ve got no class and you’re my dad.

Out of all the birthday cards for Dad, this is the corniest one I could find.

Dad, you’re proof that the fun doesn’t stop no matter how grey, wrinkly, and incontinent a person gets.

Congratulations Dad on being another year closer to the nursing home.

Happy Birthday Dad, this’ll be your last one outside of an old people's home so make it last.

Happy Birthday to the stepdad who stepped up when the other bloke scarpered.

I wanted a short heart touching birthday wish for my dad so I’ve just said, ‘you’ll do’.

Happy Birthday to the tired old bean. Love you dad.

You’re the only dad joke I need.

Here’s a card for my farter fathers, further, fervent frolicking fifties. (Insert 30’s, 40’s, 50’s all the f’s).

You’d be a funny Dad if you updated your joke book every once in a while.

You’re the best Dad in the world… if we’re talking the plastic, swivel globes.

Happy Birthday to my old Dad, unfortunately we can’t light a cake because we need special permission for that much fire.

Happy birthday stepdad from the ‘buy one get one free’ offer you got when you married mum.

Mom said I needed a touching birthday message for dad so I’m just going to give you a slap.

Happy Birthday to the king of Dad jokes. Today at the bank an old man asked me to help check his balance. So, I pushed him over.

Happy Birthday old man, I hope you like jigsaws because there are plenty of them to do in the retirement home we’re shipping you off to.

What do you call a chimp with no fashion sense? Dad.

Dad you’re so dumb we asked you to put the dog down and you came back an hour later with its ashes.

Dad I’ve got a great joke about construction but I’m still working on it.

What goes up and never comes down? Your age.

What’s the best thing to do on a birthday? Get the midwife to cut the cord.

Happy Birthday Dad, I made a list of things to do for your 42nd birthday but Mom said don’t be stupid he’ll never do all that in 40 seconds.

Dad, Mom’s mad at me for not having any sense of direction so I told her to shut down.

Make sure you take an extra sock when you go golfing just in case you get a hole in one.

What do you get a dad for his birthday? The last ten years back.

 I told my dad it was his birthday, he said don’t be stupid I was born years ago.

Yes. They were awful. Let's just take a moment to reflect on that travesty… are we done? Right, now we move on to some more funny birthday quotes for dad

A wonderful, handsome, dependable man is sending his dad a birthday card.

Your birthday gift is another year of having me as your son.

Happy Birthday Dad from a son who absolutely lights up your life.

Happy Birthday Dad from your son. It could be worse; you could be Stanley Johnson.

Happy Birthday Dad, as your son I’ve always learnt to follow in your footsteps. Just in case you drop any money.

To dad on your birthday, I see your eyes are wrinkly from the heavy burden of having me as your son.

Here’s a birthday card Dad from your son, just giving my yearly thanks for producing such a sexy specimen.

Happy Birthday Dad from your daughter. Your beautiful, ‘obviously didn’t get any of the ugly genes’ daughter.

To Dad, I tried to find you the best gift possible but it turns out daughters can’t fit in envelopes.

Happy Birthday dad, no matter how tough life gets at least you’ve got a beautiful daughter.

No matter how old you get, a daughter will always need her dad… to catch the spiders.

I’ll always be daddy’s little girl… when I need some money for the sales.

Like father, like daughter. The scariest four words ever written.

I’m so proud that I’m your daughter, it always shocks people when they find out someone that strange produced someone this iconic.

To Dad from Daughter. That’s it, that’s the card.

Happy Birthday Daddy, you have no clue what you’re doing but you’re trying your best.

To my Daddysaurus, hope you have a roarsome day.

Daddy I’ve loved you since the day I was born, which wasn’t actually that long ago.

Happy Birthday to Daddy cool.

To my Daddy on his birthday, don’t tell my mom but you’re my favourite,

Happy Birthday to Daddy, the piggyback champion of the world.

Happy Birthday Daddy from your favourite child.

Happy Birthday to my Daddy, the king of fighting the monsters under the bed.

Happy Birthday Daddy, I’m not an infant or a child I’m just a very posh adult.

To an amazing Father-in-law. How’s your head after dealing with this family for another year?

I couldn’t have asked for a better father-in-law. But then again my bar was set really low.

Here’s a card for my father-in-law’s birthday. How did you manage to put up with (insert name here) for so many years?

I’m grateful you’re not one of those creepy fathers-in-law. So you’ve got that going for you at least.

Happy Birthday Father-in-law. I’m not sure how it happened but it seems your son got stuck with the defective genes.

Happy birthday to a father-in-law who loves me more than his own children.

Dads are hard to buy for, this much is very true, so take this folded piece of card as a gift from me to you.

To our father on his birthday, we’ve got so much to thank,

we’re grateful you exist regardless of how much is in your bank.

But saying that, we’re broke and I hope you understand, 

the tenner that was in this card is now staying in my hand.

My dad you are my idiot, no matter what they say,

I never know what crap is going to leave your mouth today,

You suck at DIY and your jokes are very bad,

But I’m glad that I’m your daughter and I’m proud that you’re my dad.

Summary:

As you can see it's possible to offend your father in at least 80 different ways and we have also discovered I am not good at writing jokes. I apologise for the PTSD that particular section of this list may cause going forward.

Regardless of that trauma, I hope this has sparked your imagination as to what offensive and funny messages to put in a Birthday card for Dad. 

Also, while you’re here, why not have a browse of some of our funny dad birthday cards.

There are loads available and you’re sure to find something you’ll love.