Funny Divorce Quotes

Funny Divorce Quotes

Funny Divorce Quotes

Divorce is a funny thing. Maybe not for the people actually going through the divorce but what can you do? 

Actually, I’ll tell you what you can bloody do, send them a card. 

Cheer them up with wit and fun and make a serious situation a bit more humorous. 

There’s no need to be awkward or hold back; just let rip and make it all ok (or make things even worse, it’s a slippery slope but let’s plunge headfirst down it anyway) by letting the female in your life know they’re better off without him.

Take some inspiration below from our list of quotes to write in a Divorce card to the female friend or relative that is currently going through this devastating or absolutely fantastic time in their life.

What to say (or not to say) to someone going through a divorce:

The only thing more difficult to get rid of than covid was your nasty ass husband.


Your marriage was a bit like a new railway line, a colossal waste of money and only succeeded in getting you from one depressing place to another.


I’m sorry your marriage flatlined.


Congratulations on only doing the divorcing and not the beheading or dying.


You have to divorce a few frogs until you find your…slightly better frog.


It only lasted 6 months. God he must have been shit. (Treat yourself to some maths and change as applicable).


I’m really sorry about your divorce but to be fair he made me physically ill.


The only energy draining pandemic you’ve had in your life was your husband.


I didn’t know what to put in a divorce card so I just said, ‘he’s a knob’.


Congratulations on your divorce from that pig faced, swine on legs degenerate.


How do you get rid of 200lbs of excess fat? Divorce him.


Best way to get over a bloke is to get under a new one.


Ding! Dong! the twat is gone!


The tosser becomes the tossed. Good riddance.


You’ve sent the dog with two dicks running off with his tail between his legs.


Let’s face it, he was an absolute psychopath.


Cherish the sweet, sweet scent of divorce papers.


Good riddance to the recently departed.


Nice to see the foul personification of abject repugnance is no longer with us.


Have you pawned the ring yet?


Thank God Gollum’s pissed off.


They say divorce is a sad time but you’re proving them wrong sis, get the champagne out!


Congratulations on taking the easy route and not turning into a killer bride.


Glad to see you got your happy ending and he’s buggered off back to where he came from.


 He was a wanker. That’s all.


 Is it a really bad time for me to say I was right all along?


 Some people call it ’conscious uncoupling’. We just call it ‘dumping a c*nt’.


 Just like him, your marriage was a shower, not a grower.


Never mind the husband, you’ve gotten rid of his mother-in-law as well. Result!

Quotes for your Divorced parents:

Now you’re divorced does this mean I get two sets of presents?


Thank God I only have to see Dad on weekends.


Happy Divorce. Who’d have thought I’d have a stabler home life than my mom and dad?


Which one of you gets to keep me?


Was your divorce more like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin or Darth Vader and Padme?


You’re about to have a custody battle on your hands, just joking I don’t like either one of you.


Try and keep any new stepdads to a minimum of three please.


You’ve split up more times than horror movie characters. Is this it now?


I’m about to become a child of divorce, feel sorry for me. Give me money. And gifts. And alcohol.


I thought your divorce would be awful, but double presents, double holidays, double attention? Yes please. Can you get me a couple of stepdads as well?

Those were either funny or very depressing. But alas, here are a few Happy Divorce quotes:

Happy Divorce! Congratulations on getting that fat, hairy wart removed.


Happy Divorce (I always said he was a twat).


Happy Divorce Day. You get the wedding album out; I’ll get the scissors.


Happy Divorce Day, he always was a knob.


Happy Divorce Day. Looks like the universe got the wrong idea when you said you were looking for a big dick.


Happy Divorce. It always was difficult to get rid of a cockroach.


Happy Divorce Day, here’s to being a lazy cow in private.


Happy Divorce, there’s only so much arsehole one woman can take.


Happy Divorce Day. 5 more weddings and you could be Henry VIII. 6 more you could be Steve McDonald.


You I do’d, you did, you dumped. Happy Divorce.

Happy Divorce, here’s to lots of meaningless sex.


Happy Divorce, he was just the one shit chapter of your bestselling novel.

Strong women/Inspirational quotes:

Once upon a time, a strong woman said, ‘bye bitch’. The end.


I never realised how strong you were until you hit his arse with the door on the way out.


Look on the bright side, nights out are going to be cheaper.


It takes a woman with massive balls to divorce a man with tiny ones.


You should get a special service award for putting up with him for so long.


Better to have loved and lost than to be shackled to a bell end for the rest of your life.


You must be in agony after carrying that whole marriage on your back for 3 years. (Change as applicable, time to do maths again.)


Strong ass women don’t need weak ass men. Happy divorce.


He helped you become a better woman…. for another man.


God says divorce is a sin, but sinners are winners in my book. Go get that dick.

In Summary:

So, what have we learned today class?

I will tell you; we have learned that there are a plethora of things to write in a Happy Divorce card that can make a woman feel empowered, make her laugh, or just cheer her up a little bit. 

Problems are solved with laughter and hopefully some of these divorce card quotes can do that very thing.

Feel free to check out some of our existing cards below or browse thousands of designs for a whole array of occasions. 

Thanks for stopping by.

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