Funny Retirement Jokes
Retirement sounds like such a liberating time but really it’s society's way of telling you you’re no longer fit for purpose.
That you’re better off spending your days decaying at home, being nagged at and playing golf (or any other less-strenuous activity that befits your age; like being violently sick on a cruise ship to some god forsaken part of the world).
If you know somebody who is soon set to retire and enter their glory years, you may be wondering what to put in a retirement card.
As we know, 60 odd years of dedicated service deserves a small piece of folded card to commemorate such an event and we have got you covered as to what to put inside it.
So, keep those eyes open, don’t nod off and come with me as we delve into this mess.
First off we have retirement card quotes from co-workers:
Don’t retire? You were the only one here who knew what they were doing!
Thanks for leaving us you bloody judas.
You’re retiring? I thought you’d stopped working years ago.
Happy retirement, you’re not my problem anymore.
Happy retirement to the best boss you could ask for. Time to look after your actual grandkids and not all of us ‘work grandkids’.
They say if you enjoy your job you’ll never work a day in your life. So, God it must have been a tough 50 years for you. (Change the amount of years as applicable. I’m not psychic).
Relax, put your feet up and do as little as you can get away with. So just like being at work then.
Happy retirement. I doubt anyone around here will even notice that you’re gone.
It’s going to be strange walking into the office and not seeing your face. Your wrinkled, miserable face.
Happy retirement. You were the best boss a company could have. Now go away and don’t come back.
You started work in the olden days and finished in your olden days. Have a nice retirement.
Happy retirement, I’m finding it hard to act like I care.
Happy retirement boss. You’re going to be missed…by someone probably.
If you put as much effort into your retirement as you have at work it’s going to be a very slow, non-eventful experience.
You’ve been a hardworking and faithful employee but if you step one foot into the office again then you WILL be shot.
You wouldn’t have thought you were retirement age by the speed you ran out the door on your last day.
You’re the envy of all your co-workers, you lucky sod.
You’ve taught me so much in your time at the company. Like how to blag your way through a whole shift without actually doing anything.
Funny retirement messages from anybody:
Happy retirement, no more work, no more alarms. We’ll never see you out of your pyjamas again.
Now you’re old and retired you’ll have plenty of time for reflecting on the pointlessness of existence.
Happy retirement, now it’s time to sod off and emigrate to Spain.
Don’t blow your pension on sex, drugs and rock and roll. At least not all of it.
Get that pension pot down to the bingo, your luck might be in.
You’ve finally collected your pension lump sum. That should see you to the end of the week.
Happy retirement to my favourite golden oldie.
Sit back, relax, and then start that list of a thousand jobs you’ve been putting off because you’ve been at work.
Happy retirement. There are three things about being a pensioner that you must always remember. Unfortunately, I’ve forgotten them all.
You’re officially retired. It’s time to hang around Post Offices tutting at youths and clacking your false teeth.
You may be retired but the strenuous work doesn’t stop now. You’ll need all that arm strength for feeding the ducks, moving the jigsaw pieces, and putting your teeth in.
Time for bed and remember NOT to set your alarm.
Oh god this means you’re going to be with the wife/husband 24/7. (Change as applicable).
Prepare yourself for the sheer boredom of retirement life.
The only work you’ll be doing from now on is trying to figure out how to use the kettle in the nursing home.
Now you can enjoy the finer things in life. Like walking frames, hip replacements, and trapped wind.
It’s now acceptable to do absolutely nothing with your life.
R-E-T-I-R-E-D. The greatest 7 letters in the world.
Retired….and very tired.
Now every day’s a Saturday. That’s a lot of boozing.
Happy retirement, take the many, many, many years of experience and throw it completely out the window.
Retirement plan: be happy, do sod all, die.
Retirement messages for Men:
You have reached the Victor Meldrew stage of your life.
You’re not retired, being a grumpy pensioner is a lot of work.
Happy retirement. The phrase ‘never worked a day in his life’ comes to mind.
You’re now a pensioner, time to do pensioner things like golf, jigsaws and losing your teeth.
Happy Retirement to my hubby. Now get your arse up into the attic and build a model railway or something. I’m not having you around me 24/7.
Happy retirement, you’ve gone ‘from much respected man’ to ‘grumpy old man who hangs around bus stops.’
I bet the wife’s going to love having another big kid to look after.
Your wife’s going to be seeing a lot more of your rod from now on. Your fishing rod.
You’re finally free…to do whatever your wife tells you to.
Behind every great retired man is a great woman telling him to stuff his retirement, he’s got jobs to be getting on with.
Retirement messages for Women:
You’re now a lady of leisure. If that means going down the leisure centre to escape your husband.
I’m so sorry you’re retiring; you’re going to have to put up with your husband’s crap full time.
Dolly can sod off, no more working 9 to 5.
Send the hubby off to the golf course and kick your feet up.
Time to get off your tits on that pension money.
Happy retirement, find the two of you a fun cruise holiday, take the hubby up on deck, then throw him overboard.
Even though you’re a retired nurse, you’ll still get people sticking their manky body parts in your face for a diagnosis.
It doesn’t matter that you’re retired, everyone knows you’re still the boss.
You thought you were retired? Now you’ve got a full-time job nagging your husband.
A very wise woman once said ‘I’m outta here’ then sauntered out of the office never to be seen again.
I hope this list of nonsense has helped or at least inspired you as to what to write in a retirement card.
While you’re here, why not take a look at some of our actual retirement cards below or browse our thousands of unique designs, you’re sure to find one you’ll love.